(the writer, not the other guys)

NBA star Jason Collins has come out as gay in Sports Illustrated.  He’s now the first openly gay athlete in a major American team sport.

This is going to be less of a big deal with fans than it is with other athletes.  Why?  Let’s let Jason explain himself, though unwittingly:

I didn’t come out to my [twin] brother [Jarron, a retired NBA player] until last summer. His reaction to my breakfast revelation was radically different from Aunt Teri’s. He was downright astounded. He never suspected.

Jarron’s never suspecting is not, in any way, a believable statement.  But the fact that Jason felt obligated to provide his twin with cover for having kept his secret all those years is a strong indication of the NBA’s culture that kept Jason in the closet.

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If you’re going to spam the comments of a newspaper story with a come-on, it’s a good idea to ensure that your post can be deciphered by readers whose presence on the website suggests a certain level of sophistication and intelligence.  This is especially true when the comment is appended to a story about a school board race:

upto I looked at the check four $5110, I did not believe …that…my brothers friend was like realy earning money part-time online.. there uncle had bean doing this less than nineteen months and resantly repayed the debts on their place and bourt Lotus Esprit. I went here, [....com]

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Someone is mining a fortune out of straw men.

Today is Denim Day in USA, intended to “stop misconceptions about sexual assault,” according to a tweet from the Department of Justice.

Misconceptions?  What, exactly, are the misconceptions about sexual assault?

The website doesn’t say.  Its hyperlink to the “Denim USA myth/fact sheet” (which is helpfully found on the sponsors page) leads you to the online store’s array of $15-$90 tchotchkes bearing the red Denim USA logo.

As for wearing denim, this clearly began as a joke that some friends thought up after a few tokes: “Hey, dude, let’s start National Breathing Day.”

Everyone, everywhere, of every age and income wears denim all the time, except when they’re wearing shorts or sweatpants.

If you really wanted to make a statement, you’d have national I Didn’t Just Roll Out of Bed Day.

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You’re 18.  You are not, apparently, of above average intelligence.  You and your friend have just stolen a BMW.

It doesn’t matter where you’re going.  You’re going.  You’re styling.  You’re cruisin’.  You’re free.  You’re cool.

For the moment, anyway, you’re a one percenter, and you’ve stuck it to The Man who owned this fine machine.  What does he care?  He’s got insurance.  He can afford it.

But there are two of you, and somehow you’re sitting shotgun, not behind the wheel.  Damn!  You want a taste for yourself of what the Ultimate Driving Machine feels like in your hands and under your foot.  So you say, “My turn to drive.”

Eff off, your partner says.

What’re you gonna do?  Kill him with the revolver in your waistband, the one you used to scare the crap out of the BMW owner?  Nah.

But praise the Lord, there’s a Porsche on the side of the road.  Both of you know what to do.

Your stolen BMW pulls up behind the Porsche.  You jump out, grabbing the .38 .

“Beat it, dude,” you tell the Porsche driver.  “I’ll blow your head off.  And leave the keys.”

The driver raises his hands, gets out, backs away.

“Don’t kill me,” he says.

“Go on,” you say, “run.”

He does.

You smile at your buddy in that piddly ass BMW.  BMW?  Ha!  That’s for old ladies. You’re about to take off in an effin’ Porsche.  Your buddy says he’ll meet you at the place.  Yeah, you say, laughing.  Come on, in about 15 seconds, you’re gonna pass the sucker like he’s standing still.

You climb in and put the gun on the Porsche’s shotgun seat.  And start up the engine.  Man, listen to that thing roar.  Oh, this is going to be something.

But WTF?

A pedal to the left of the brake?!  And where’s the ‘D’ on the tranny?  In fact, where the hell is the tranny?  What’s that stick in there, on the console?  What does it do?  And why’s the guy who owns the thing laughing, calling someone on his cell?

NEWARK, N.J. (AP) – Federal prosecutors say a New Jersey man whose bid to carjack a Porsche failed because he couldn’t drive a stick shift is now headed to prison.

Anthony Reynolds of Newark received a 55-month sentence Monday. He had pleaded guilty last September to motor vehicle theft.

Prosecutors say the 18-year-old Reynolds and an accomplice were traveling in a stolen BMW when they came up behind a Porsche 911 Turbo in Newark in March 2012.

Armed with a .38 caliber revolver, Reynolds ordered the Porsche owner out of the car. But his accomplice took off in the BMW, leaving Reynolds to struggle with the Porsche’s manual transmission.

The Porsche’s owner flagged down police and Reynolds tried to flee on foot. But he was captured after a brief chase.

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In a plea deal, a Virginia man has been sentenced to seven years in prison for stealing President Obama’s teleprompter.  That’s about four years longer than is usually handed down for stealing federal property.

It makes sense, though, when you consider that the guy has been convicted of 36 crimes over the last 30 years, and by pleading this out he avoided prosecution on 14 other counts of “truck theft.”

So it seems like a righteous deal, and the DOJ prosecutor should be pleased.  But he would’ve been better off if he’d let the conviction speak for itself.

“The theft of government property is a serious offense,” Assistant U.S. Attorney Roderick Young said during Virginia resident Eric Brown’s sentencing hearing.

Stop right there, Bob.  Don’t say another word. Oh, no.

“It’s all the more serious when the property belongs to the White House Communications Agency.”

Maybe it’s good that AUSA Roderick Young pled this out rather than take his case to court.  Any trial lawyer who can manage to leave listeners wondering whether the theft of, say, a B-1 Lancer is less serious than the theft of a teleprompter shouldn’t be arguing in front of a jury.

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